Habla del Diablo

Well, as I was writing that last post and those last lines of the last entry, my boyfriend called me. Unbeknownst to me, we are having relationship problems and he pretty much confirmed for me that all men are pigs. I believe there are three sides to every story: His side, my side, and the what is really going on. His side is, to put it bluntly, he is not getting enough sex. He feels like I am not enjoying sex with him and it bums him out. He says I make him feel like I repulse him. You know what? Screw him! My attitude is that we have been together almost five years and I spent approximately three of those years trying to live my life around him, so I could spend more time with him, and I refuse to do it anymore. I have worked crappy jobs because of him and even quit school so I could see him more, yet nothing changed in our relationship. I thought that he was going to be the man I would spend the rest of my life with, but I realized a couple years ago, that he is not the marrying type, and I adjusted my attitude towards the relationship accordingly and backed off. I figured if I was only going to be able to see him once a week, that I would just enjoy the time we get to spend together and make the most of it.
I must be jaded, though, because I feel if we are only going to see each other once a week, and I am too tired to make love that one night we get to spend together, that is not my problem. Moreover, the pressure I feel to make love to him, even though I am not in the mood, makes me even less in the mood.
I will admit, I have little libido anyway and the medication I take for anxiety does not help matters either. One would think with my attitude towards sex, that I had been raped or molested as a child. In a way I suppose I was.
When you have breasts by the age of eight, boys who are a little bit older than you like to grab them all the time, and try to hold you down and touch you, even though you are too weak to fight back. Because of this, I am not a touchy-feely person and it is hard to be intimate with my boyfriend. There are times when I feel like I am eight again. He does not understand, though, no matter how hard I try to explain to him. I asked him that he please be patient. After all, there have been so many time when I wanted to break up with him, because he pushed me by the way-side. In the beginning of our relationship, we went from making love all of the time to him hardly touching me for nearly eight months! I spent all of that time wondering what was wrong with me. Whenever I remind him of that, he says this is different. Again, screw him! I am not going to be the one to make all of the sacrifices anymore.
One other thing, I have no problem going to New York by myself. It will probably do me some good to take a trip by myself. If so, I am going all out. Besides, people do not scare me, just librarians, masons, and shriners. There may be a $250.00 empty seat next to me at the Schubert theatre, put at least I will have a nice place to put my coat and cocktail!